Babak Rafati - "I looked death in the eyes"

No longer being able to and no longer wanting to: This feeling is experienced by people suffering from a condition called burnout.

The number of those affected has been steadily increasing not only in Germany for years, but across all social classes and age groups. Former Bundesliga and FIFA referee Babak Rafati is all too familiar with the depths associated with it. In November 2011, he attempted to take his own life in a Cologne hotel. However, the Hannover-born man with Persian roots has found his way back from hell. Today, he travels across Europe as a speaker on stress management and mental coaching, sharing his personal experiences with performance pressure and bullying with businesses, associations, and other institutions. top Magazin met with the 46-year-old banker at the Waldhotel Stuttgart to discuss how he overcame his depression. top: Mr. Rafati, when you look back on the darkest time of your life, the keyword "values" often comes up. What's the story behind that? Rafati: For me, values such as justice, truthfulness, respect, and morality have always been of utmost importance. My mistake was assuming these values were inherent in other people as well. I have always been outspoken and have addressed issues within the German Football Association (DFB) internally. Issues such as external interference from the German Football League in deciding which referees are suitable. I criticized this as a clear overstepping of competence, and my colleagues fully agreed. Eventually, I was sidelined for my statements. Over many months, I was bullied by my superiors at the DFB. Yes, I made mistakes on the field. But instead of discussing these constructively with me, personal attacks were launched against me - literally: "Everyone can make a mistake - except you, Babak." Also, the fact that I was repeatedly voted by players as the "worst Bundesliga referee" was constantly thrown in my face by my bosses at the DFB (Herbert Fandel and Hellmut Krug, Ed. note). However, I never received support from them. I then put more and more pressure on myself personally, self-doubts gnawed at me. I am practically a role model for how not to do things. top: All of this culminated in the disaster of the night of November 19, 2011, when you attempted to take your own life. Rafati: Yes, but thankfully - I can say that today - my assistant referees found me just in time. But I didn't think about death that night, I only wanted to end the brutally ugly "film of inhumanity" or erase it from my mind. In my hotel room, I used everything I could get my hands on. When you are in such an existential crisis, you can no longer think rationally. I was also severely physically weakened. That night before the 1. FC Cologne vs. Mainz 05 game, the absolute last escalation point was reached, I had completely lost control over myself. I didn't think about my family, my future wife Rouja, or my responsibilities as a referee or the spectators waiting for me in the stadium the next day. I drank all the high-proof alcohol bottles available in the minibar and swallowed around 100 valerian tablets, which I had bought at the train station the day before. At the same time, I let the bathwater run. I then got in and, in a daze, I completely cut my forearms with a whiskey glass shattered on the edge of the bathtub and inflicted many more wounds. I then hit myself on the head with an empty beer bottle to hasten my end. I felt damn good doing it - finally, I was an active person again and not a patient. I would have loved to open the hotel windows and shout out: "I just wanted one thing: to be treated as a human being." Overall, that night was very brutal - and the aftermath was very tough. I stared death in the face. top: How did it even come to this? Rafati: I think one of the reasons lies in the fact that as a man, you have your ideals and often do not talk about your feelings, or do so much too late. My behavior on that particular night was a clear cry for help. Men can only learn from women in this regard. Because women intuitively anchor themselves and express their feelings verbally. Clarity in communication is crucial. That's why in my lectures, I clearly address the message: "Hey men, even the supposedly strong gender can have weaknesses and show their limits. Stand by it and express your feelings!" top: How did your wife handle the events? Rafati: She helped me immensely. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be sitting here today. The same goes for my family, who were a crucial support for me during this difficult time. Money, success, power, recognition, and always faster, further, higher: All of that is nothing compared to the love in a partnership and family, which should never be neglected. My wife was my first jackpot, she gave me incredible courage. The therapy, which my wife actively supported, was then my second jackpot. top: Shouldn't you have turned the switch and realized much earlier that this couldn't go on like this? Rafati: From today's perspective, of course. But it's very difficult in the respective situation. I always paid too much attention to what others thought of me. But what's more important is self-determination. What matters is not external recognition, but internal. Of course, there are always stressful situations in life. One must learn to deal with them by strengthening their mental resilience. I call this the healthy response to unhealthy circumstances. What counts are moderation, balance, and mindfulness. Nobody is capable of hurting us - we only allow it. top: What do you recommend to people who find themselves in a similar situation as you once did? Rafati: Self-determination, self-determination, and once again self-determination. Don't blame others. Everyone is always responsible for their own situation. Don't look at others, look at yourself. In my lectures, I delve deeply into what ultimately led to my suicide attempt. Through my story, everyone can take something for themselves and perhaps recognize parallels. Then it's a matter of deciding whether to keep going full throttle or take a break to find your inner balance again. Everyone must make the decision for a personal outing with all its consequences for themselves. top: Usually, something has to happen first before you change your life. Rafati: Unfortunately, yes, and ultimately, everyone is at risk of burnout. It's a revolutionary epidemic. Therefore, I can only advise: Know yourself and seek help before it's too late. Even in our performance-driven society, it should be allowed to make mistakes. Because from them, we can learn and grow. top: How did you manage to come out of the abyss? Rafati: After the suicide attempt, I spent three months in the clinic and then several months in medication therapy with many conversations. Initially, I rejected therapy - I didn't want to admit I was sick. I knew I had a "problem." But sick? Never. It took several weeks for my brain to understand that. Within a short time, there were six different, independent diagnoses, all leading to the same result: severe deep depression. Then I also realized that it must be so. Both talk therapy and writing my book "Ich pfeife auf den Tod!" (I whistle at death!) were invaluable in processing and understanding what had happened. top: Was there any reaction from the DFB? Rafati: To this day, no one has contacted me. But I no longer expect anything. However, I find the behavior of former DFB President Theo Zwanziger to be irritating and hypocritical. After the suicide of national goalkeeper Robert Enke in November 2009, Zwanziger gave a very emotional speech and called for a change in mindset. But in my case, it was simply stated: "The pressure in professional sports is incredibly high - and we just can't get the right balance." The person Babak Rafati was completely left out. But I have since moved on. top: Would you say that you are fully healed today? Rafati: I can answer this question with a clear yes. After the therapy, my therapist told my wife: "Your husband has passed the MOT, he made it." In September 2012, I stopped taking medication and have never had a relapse since. Letting go, relaxing, and coming to terms with oneself: that is an important foundation for regaining courage in life crises. But it can be a long way until then. Sometimes all doors close - but eventually, a window opens again. My life philosophy today is: Be, to be, instead of doing, to be. An article from top Magazin, Summer 2016 About Babak Rafati: