How to Give Feedback Properly and Conduct Criticism Conversations:
Giving negative feedback always carries a risk. Because hardly anyone takes criticism easily. The other person could be upset, hurt, or offended. Especially when it comes to topics like manners or personal style that have no connection to the company's philosophy, image, or resolving conflicts.
Behaviors that we don't like in other people don't necessarily have to be wrong; they vary from region to region. And as they say, there's no accounting for taste, especially when it comes to personal style.
"Ladies first!"
Who doesn't know this: You meet an important client with his wife. You are happy to see him. You don't know the woman, so you extend your hand to the customer for the greeting. However, he gestures towards the woman by his side and instructs with a raised eyebrow, "But please, the lady first!" The harsh criticism catches you off guard. You retract your hand, reach out to the woman to observe the correct order after all.
This embarrassing situation does not feel particularly pleasant - it is akin to a slap in the face... In such situations, I always wonder why men are so eager to reprimand and bask in giving criticism. For the other person, it feels degrading when their offered hand for a greeting is not accepted.
For those who don't know: An offered hand is always accepted, regardless of whether it fits etiquette - or not. Decide with empathy, with the aim of not embarrassing the other person.
I only mean well with you
Who is without faults... Those who constantly look for faults in others will surely find them, missing out on life's valuable human encounters, focusing on the negative, which primarily harms themselves, and usually only mean well with themselves. After one of my speeches, I spoke with an attendee and asked how they liked the content of the presentation. Their response: "I'm not sure exactly what you presented, I was only paying attention to what you did wrong with your body language. I particularly noticed that you occasionally crossed your arms and... Here is my card, I am a body language trainer, I would be happy to coach you." At first, I was speechless. When I composed myself, I replied, "It's a shame you didn't hear my presentation, you missed out on a lot. By the way, I did not ask for feedback on my body language, but on the content of my presentation." After that, I bid farewell, turned around, and left. We can gladly do without "well-intentioned advice," as we would have asked for it if we wanted it.
Showcasing others - Let them give feedback!
"Well, Mrs. Motsch, how do you like Mr. Dübinger's tie, it doesn't suit him, does it?" The sarcastic undertone was unmistakable; he was clearly not satisfied with his colleague's tie and wanted to ally with me against his colleague: "Look, Mrs. Motsch doesn't like your tie either." My response: "Mr. Dübinger did not ask me for feedback." His response: "Mrs. Motsch, that was the right answer, and I thank you for it. I don't want feedback. I like my tie, even if my colleague has a different opinion! If I were unsure, I would have asked for your opinion."
I am familiar with using my expertise to criticize others. Such questions about others are very uncomfortable. However, they also demonstrate how well I can set boundaries, express a respectful no. These conversational situations prove how important it is to treat other people with care and respect. Criticizing at the expense of another person goes in the direction of: "What you say about the other person says more about you than about the other person." (Author unknown.)
Typically, only men criticize directly. Straightforward, without regard for consequences. Women would often say, "Mrs. Motsch, how do you like Mr. Dübinger's tie?" They present something seemingly neutral, do not take a stance themselves, leave the criticism to others, and always come out looking good.
Warning: Giving unsolicited feedback can be rejected
Not long ago, in my eagerness, I sent a message to a well-known journalist on Facebook after a TV interview. I thought, we know each other well, so I could do that. I (unsolicited!) pointed out to him that the suit he wore on the show looked worn out. His response came promptly: Did I not have other concerns than to criticize him? He forbade any criticism. He even went so far as to say he would end our friendship if it happened again.
It hit home - and he was right. It was not my place. He did not ask for my opinion. His outfit had no impact on my life. Just a worn-out suit that caught my eye. Nothing more and nothing less. If the journalist had been a woman, she would have been just as upset. Her reaction probably wouldn't have been as strong. She would likely have packaged her response in polite words, still expressing her displeasure but maintaining the relationship.
Can you say no to feedback?
Of course, you can say no! Unfortunately, most people say yes when they mean no, especially women. It may be legitimate, but it is neither honest nor productive. Many want to be polite. "One" does not want to reject the other person. Nevertheless: Say no when you mean no, no matter what, especially to feedback that you did not ask for, do not want to hear - for whatever reason.
People who graciously accept criticism
For some unsolicited advice or for some important suggestions, you may still be grateful today, if it came at the right time and in a respectful atmosphere. Giving and receiving feedback requires courage and honesty, as others could be upset, hurt, or offended.
One of the most important rules for feedback is: It must be desired. Embedded in appreciation, feedback can indeed have the constructive potential to help people develop further. In any case, be mindful and inquire whether providing support or feedback is specifically desired - or not. If a no comes, that is absolutely okay and must be accepted.
Do men criticize differently than women?
While writing this article, I noticed that I could think of many more no-gos from men on this topic and fewer from women. Men usually address things clearly, without considering how the message will be received, and often offend women with their clarity. Women are often more emotional, act more subtly, criticize behind others' backs, spread rumors, and make insinuations.
I argue that everyone should be allowed to make their own experiences. Even the journalist I criticized is allowed to appear on primetime TV in worn-out clothing. It is his responsibility. The difficult thing for us humans is to accept others as they are but to see the person behind them, not just their mistakes. Exercising this restraint is a great challenge, especially for those hungry for criticism. Every experience, even if negative, helps us progress, and the "well-intentioned advice" does not have the same learning effect as an experience one goes through themselves.
Elisabeth Motsch
Is the style expert for the success factor of clothing and manners and has become a brand with her stylish, confident, and competent appearance. In her work as a speaker and trainer, she combines a passionate love for people, fashion, and style with professional expertise.
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