10 tips for arguing correctly

Tips for arguing the right way (1) With angry people, you can only talk about one thing: their anger. They don't want explanations, justifications, or reasons, but to talk about why they are so terribly angry right now. Therefore, the easiest way to deal with someone else's anger is to ask them why they are so angry. Variations include: What's wrong? You seem really fired up! Are you mad at me? Once the other person has expressed what has made them so angry, then you can have a reasonable conversation with most people about your perspective on the matter and what you have to say about it. But only after the other person has calmed down. Tips for arguing the right way (2) Is it really about what it seems to be about? Or was the trigger for the argument a few days, weeks, or years ago? Or was the trigger in my general behavior? Most people don't address a problem they have immediately. Instead, they carry it around with them for a while and let it "ripen." But when they want to talk about it now, there is often no opportunity to do so. However, in order to finally get rid of it, they ensure that their issue is brought up, even if it is completely inappropriate at the moment. Focus on the emotion to find out where the real cause lies: That may be, but why are you so hesitant? You say that so bored. Are you sure that has to do with our topic? Can you tell me why you are so annoyed now? That has nothing to do with X, right? Do not give up if the other person tries to explain that they have nothing. People who emphasize a sentence with strong emotion want to talk about the emotion and not contribute to the topic. Following the motto: "Do you have something?" - (shouted) "No!" - "Ah, so you do have something!" Tips for arguing the right way (3) Do not overwhelm others with difficult conversations. You have prepared yourself. So, ideally, give the other person the opportunity to prepare for the conversation as well. There are times that are not suitable for difficult conversations. Finding out in the hallway at work that the other person thought the presentation was a disaster or being told in the parking lot that you are arrogant is unfair. First, coordinate the timing and then have your difficult conversation: I would like to talk to you about yesterday. When is a good time for that? I was upset. When do you have time to talk about it? Can we talk for 10 minutes tomorrow? I have something on my mind. It's about XY. You are only seemingly at an advantage when you catch the other person off guard. Maybe they will admit something or make a concession more quickly. But at the latest, they will be upset at home and seek revenge. Difficult conversations are only meaningful when they are conducted fairly. This includes ensuring that everyone knows in advance what the conversation is about. Tips for arguing the right way (4) Listening is better than speaking. In difficult conversations, most people first let out what has been bothering them for days. The consequence is that they do not learn, do not find out, and above all, do not understand why the other person acted the way they did. And sometimes, it is very important to understand this in order to decide how to proceed. Find out what is wrong and avoid using the conversation to say everything that has been on your mind for months. Briefly state what you blame the other person for, and now listen: You have been late four times. Yesterday, you kept interrupting Heike during the meeting. Could it be that you have been avoiding me lately? You should only decide what to do after you know exactly why the other person chose a certain behavior. It is very possible that their explanation will shed a different light on the whole situation. Only those who listen learn something. Those who only talk do not become wiser. Tips for arguing the right way (5) If you are angry yourself, there is only one recommendation, and it is quite easy to remember: Stay away from living people! Yell at oak trees in the forest, work on punching bags, go to the gym, or have hot sex. Do everything to release your tension, but do not bother others with your anger. The anger is yours alone, and you are responsible for your anger. Once you have calmed down, then you can revisit the topic. Do you know that I was pretty angry with you yesterday? Yesterday, I could have killed you. I can't tell you how annoyed I was with you the day before yesterday. Talk about your anger with the presumed cause. But only after you have calmed down. Never respond to unpleasant emails immediately, do not retaliate when attacked, and do not strike back when the other person attacks you. It would lead to a completely pointless fight where both parties lose. Tips for arguing the right way (6) There are people who can make you furious with one or two sentences. Preferably people you are related to or married to. To prevent the situation from escalating, you should determine the moment to end the conversation. Leave the situation when you notice that you are getting angry and the anger is slowly rising within you. If another person manages to make you angry, they have power over you, and you should not give them that power. So, end the conversation. This also applies to interactions with your boss or negotiating partner. This is getting too much for me. Let's end it. Dear boss, the last sentence hurt. I would like to continue talking tomorrow. I feel pressured by both of you. Let's continue tomorrow. When you translate these sentences, they essentially mean: If we continue like this now, I will explode. And if I explode, there will be nothing left standing. Since I don't want that, let's stop now. This way, the next day or the next moment, there will only be one person who needs to apologize. You have pulled the emergency brake in time. Tips for arguing the right way (7) Many people do not openly address it when they have a problem with you. But they express non-verbally that something is wrong. They no longer greet you, make snide remarks, suddenly act smug, arrive late for appointments, or show open contradiction in a larger group or demonstrative disinterest. It is best to address the "new" behavior directly. Is something wrong? What's going on with you? I can't shake the feeling that things between us are not the same as they used to be. In most cases, the other person will be relieved that the problem is being addressed. A whole stream of accusations and old stories that have annoyed the other person may come out. This can be very annoying, but it clears the air and is the most important prerequisite for working together smoothly with the other person again. Afterward, you will feel much closer than before the incident. You have learned to solve problems together. Tips for arguing the right way (8) And if I now address the other person, and they do not admit it? They claim to have nothing, that it's just in my imagination, that I shouldn't be so sensitive? - Then I leave it. I cannot force anyone to talk to me. And if they don't want to, they must have their reasons. But I make it clear that I do not want it to be like this. You really have nothing? It makes me uncomfortable when we interact like this. I was convinced you had something. I was worried. If you had a problem with me, you would talk to me, right? Let's assume the other person still doesn't admit it. Okay. But they cannot continue now. They cannot continue their tactic of showing me non-verbally that something is wrong. And that was the purpose of it all. But perhaps suddenly, during the coffee break, they will sit next to me, and we will casually have a very good conversation about the issues they have with me. Tips for arguing the right way (9) The anticipated conversation is here. Finally, you are talking about what has been bothering you for days and weeks. The other person apologizes, understands, asks for understanding, and wants things to go back to how they were before. Now, the thought might arise that the other person is getting off too easily. They apologize now, and I am supposed to just forget all the weeks when I was annoyed and treated unfairly. No, I need to address that again. So, I was right after all. You could have admitted that weeks ago. I'm glad you finally see that. One of these sentences, and everything falls apart again. It is so difficult to admit that we made a mistake. And some people do it very half-heartedly and ineptly. We have never learned how to deal with our own mistakes. Be forgiving. Accept an apology, even if it may seem a bit small in formal terms. Kicking back is not very helpful. The only thing it satisfies is your ego. And that should focus on meaningful things. Tips for arguing the right way (10) Unfortunately, other people are not like you. Unfortunately. Otherwise, the world would be a paradise. If everyone were like the two of us (you, dear reader, and I), then everything would be fine. Unfortunately, the world is full of idiots, incompetents, and those who do things differently. Terrible. Even though that is the case, I believe that you do not have the right to criticize other people.