THE CONFLICT DESTROYER: How to Limit Aggressive Behavior of Others

Do you know conversation situations in which it seems almost impossible to reach the other person? Recently, I found myself in such a precarious situation: When my business partner completely loses it and wants to cause damage My business partner was understandably very disappointed because the project progress with our client had been significantly delayed, requiring us to completely re-coordinate our schedule. He used a harsh tone and began subtly putting the blame on the customer. I quickly tried to address his anger, which he openly showed aggressively, using the usual classic communication tools. Among others, I used:

• Empathetic mirroring
• I-messages
• Active listening

All tools that one is familiar with. Despite a highly professional approach - Nothing worked! Due to our years of collaboration, I knew his character structure well, and I knew that in this current situation, he was in his ego master plan. This meant that at that moment, he had neither a sense nor a motivation to engage with his environment. His focus was solely on himself, wanting to "hurt - revenge" the other so that they wouldn't do such a thing to him again. He felt sidelined, not taken seriously. TIP: When murmuring doesn't help, quickly get the hammer. To limit the damage for us, I resorted to my "Murmur-Hammer Method":

1. Always start with murmuring: As described above, I had already tried to calm him down using the classic empathetic communication tools. Specifically, phrases like "I notice you are very upset, and I understand that very well. It is really unpleasant that we have to completely reset the schedule. When are you available again?"
2. If this subtle empathetic "murmur" method doesn't work, as mentioned above, quickly move to clarity and boundaries:
3. The Buzzing: This means that I will be clearer in my language and set boundaries with my counterpart. In the situation described above, the sentence was: "I understand your frustration. Can we please now work on the solution and steer the conversation in that direction? Because anger won't get us anywhere."

After my business partner did not respond to this clarity either, I brought out my "hammer":

4. When all else fails, bring out the hammer: This means I quickly transport myself to a front-row seat in my mind. Specifically, I imagine myself sitting in a theater in a front-row seat and observe the spectacle from the perspective of an observer. Knowing that I cannot change the personality and character structure in front of me on stage, as I do not direct nor can I replace the actors. From my front-row seat, I observe without judgment and respond briefly and succinctly: "I observe your frustration. Let us know when we can discuss the appointments."

This hammer method involves ignoring the current needs, goals, and desires of my counterpart. I do not try to accommodate them. In layman's terms, one would say I let them "run into a wall."

The Hammer as Self-Protection

You might be wondering why a psychologist and communication expert would let the other person "run into a wall"? This does not serve the promising relationship management that is promoted everywhere. My experience: Relationships are not a one-way street. You cannot solve a problem alone when it involves two people. And if you feel that your counterpart is not responsive to murmuring and buzzing, then ultimately, your only option is "self-protection," the so-called hammer. If you do not activate this, you risk quickly losing the relationship level with this person entirely. Because the person disappoints you and downright annoys you. Any further conversations with them will always be skewed by this memory. Not good for your mutual success!

Summary:

Assess the character structure or the cooperation possibilities of your counterpart in the respective situation with the first two steps of the Murmur-Hammer Method. Murmur and Buzz. In case of further destructive behavior from your counterpart, protect yourself and de-escalate with the hammer. As a psychologist, in such cases, I say: "Shit happens - take care!"