Tips for achieving goals blog

Your (inner) team for achieving goals - visit from the critic

A second apprentice that blocks us from reaching our goals is the inner critic. You have surely encountered him more than once. You can never please him. No matter what you do, the inner critic always knows better and is always dogmatic and very relentless. Depending on the occasion, he behaves like a driver, judge, strict teacher, eternal grumbler, and pessimistic dissatisfied person. The inner critic always sets very high demands on you. For example: You want to go on a summer vacation to the seaside with your partner and are still looking for the right swimwear. When you try on the new bathing suits in the changing room, an inner voice says to you: "Oh dear! How do you look? Too fat and unsporty!" The inner critic criticizes your weight, your skin, your figure, your legs, your stomach, your bottom, and strongly doubts that you can show yourself like this at all. He tyrannizes you into a diet, more self-discipline, and more exercise - all just to conform to an almost unattainable beauty ideal. And he loves to compare you to others. When the inner critic speaks, immediately a feeling of inferiority and lack arises within us. We do not meet the ideals he demands. Incidentally, (almost) nobody does. The inner critic also likes to appear, especially when we make a mistake or something goes wrong. Then he not only nags, but also insults us and tries to belittle us. We recognize the inner critic in such situations through thoughts like: "I'm an idiot! I'm a failure!", or: "Of course, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it, I'm just too stupid." He can be more condescending and merciless than anyone else. And even when we have done something really well and are successful and could actually be happy about it, the critic is still not silent: "It wasn't that good. It could be better." He finds a flaw in every situation. He excels in finding mistakes or points of criticism in every performance, no matter how good. This drives you to achieve even better performances, even when it's no longer possible. He doesn't forget any mishap, any mistake, but conveniently forgets the things that went well. They are not important to him. Moreover, the critic is an eternal worrier. He always has at hand what could go wrong and tries to hammer it into us.

Where does the inner critic come from?

In principle, the inner critic dictates to us all day long: I must be perfect. I must try harder. I must be even better. I must not fail. He incessantly defines what is right and wrong and is very strict with us. Many of these dictates work unconsciously, and we don't even realize how we tyrannize ourselves with them. The inner critic rules like a presiding judge to ensure that these laws and commandments are obeyed. He stands over us like a guardian to control us. In psychology, this aspect of the personality is aptly called the Superego. There are three ego states in total. In addition to the Superego, also called the Parent Ego, there is the Adult Ego, simply referred to as the Ego, and the Child Ego, also called "It". The Adult Ego is the mature and adult part of our personality that helps us make decisions, present data and facts, analyze and store them, and retrieve them. Through the Child Ego, we live out our needs, drives, and desires. This is where our emotions reside. The Superego entity is established in early childhood. An important role here is played by the relationship with our parents, which - let's just assume - is characterized by love and recognition. Their attention is just as important for our personality development as food is for our bodies. However, the love and appreciation of our parents are often linked to certain conditions. For example, let's assume a child receives a grade of B- on a test in elementary school. In principle, this is considered good, and that's what the parents initially say. However, they also want the child to have a great future and pursue a career that allows them to live well. These are legitimate thoughts of the parents. Therefore, they accompany their praise with the restriction: "A good or solid B in the test would be better!" And when the child does indeed achieve a better grade next time, they receive a reward and appreciation for it. And just like that, the achievement, namely the good grade, is linked to the love and recognition of the parents! In such a case, it is likely that the child creates an inner voice that says to them: "Only if you are good, Mom and Dad will love you." It experiences that the way it is and the way it does things is not right. This dynamic can then be the origin of the inner critic, who constantly drives the child and later the adult to always be good and even better. Our Superego essentially takes on the demands of the parents that we have become accustomed to in our childhood. And in the end, we have internalized these rules to the point where we see them as our own. As adults, however, we should stay in the Adult Ego, so that we can acknowledge and be satisfied with our achievements in reaching our goals and sub-goals.

How to put the critic in his place

If we have set the bar too high for ourselves, it is important to adjust it a bit - and put the inner critic in his place. This does not mean that it is not worth pursuing big goals or setting high standards for oneself. However, it is important that we are in a fundamentally satisfied state and not in a state of constant lack. How often do you pat yourself on the back when something goes well? Or do you simply take it for granted that things are going well? In Bavaria, there is a saying for this: "Net g'schimpft is g'lobt gnua." When we give ourselves appreciation and recognition, we also nourish our inner child, in Freud's model, the "It".

Exercise:

Wipe it off: Imagine that the critic's statements are written on a blackboard with chalk. Wipe them away with a sponge. And then write an appreciative statement about yourself on the board. Or instead, write something that focuses on your goal or sub-goal. If your critic says "That was nothing special" after every small success, write this on your board and wipe it away. Instead, write: "I acknowledge every small sub-goal as a success."